blue wayfarers

today is day #2 behind shades. It's amazing how isolated
you can feel behind them with your iPod blasting music
through those amazing sound-isolation in-ear buds. The
world-movie played with my choice of music.

i realised how automatic my going to work could be.
Board train, alight, cross the platform, board connecting
train. Alight, step on escalator, tap card, turn left... i only
take off my shades and pull the buds out when i get to
the office. The silence really hits you when you do that.

My condition has spread and did the very thing i was
so afraid it would. Before this, i took it for granted. The
very fact that i could hold my head high and stare right at
people without any insecurities... That was precious.
I never thought much about it until it was taken away.
Then the voice on my iPod sang-

" God of my salvation.
Lifter of my head."

LIFTER OF MY HEAD!!! oh wow... that has never rung so
clear and true before. The Lord reminded me that i am
His creation. I am beautiful in His sight. He is my portion.
Why should i fear. Another song played-

"For i know that my Redeemer lives
And His love for me will never fail

My heart, my flesh will fade away.
But with my eyes i'll see my God."

This body will not last. I've seen how it burnt for an hour
to become a heap of bone and dust, then contained in a big
plastic box. A man will carry 'you' (your bones n ash) and usher
your family into a room. Here he spreads a white cotton cloth
on a table and picks at you. "These are his skull fragments."
Your family members will be craning their necks for a
better look. " Ribs... This is most probably his hip joint.."
The whole process of ash collection is getting too familiar
for my liking. But it further drives home the fact that
this body doesn't last. It's just a shell. So yea... my present
condition has reminded me that too.

God has been merciful. The swelling has largely subsided.
The meds seem to be working pretty well. His grace is
enough for me. I'll get through this with His strength, not
my own. He causes the meds to work, nothing else. Like
the verse said that the farmer can water the plant day after
day. But it is God who causes it to grow.

All this, at the end of day #2 behind my shades. My God is
an awesome God. You should get to know Him too. He will
blow your mind.

"This world is not my home
i'm just a-passing through.
My treasures are laid up
Somewhere beyond the blue.
The angels beckon me from heaven's open door.
And i can't feel at home in this world anymore."