too much...

i've been eating way too much junk. A whole bag of sultana
biscuits... Char Siew and roasted pork noodles... A cup of
sour plum juice, a bowl of ice kachang, a plate of rojak...
a mini nonya rice dumpling... and i keep going. Stuffing
myself. How sia... why like that. I'm ill, not pregnant. I ran
for the train this morning and my legs felt like lead. I'm
going to die...

oh rejoice....

i could not see through the shadows ahead
so i looked at the Cross of my Saviour instead
i bowed to the will of my Master that day
then peace came and fears fled away

oh rejoice in the Lord
He makes no mistake
He knoweth the end of each path that i take
for when i am tried
and purified
i shall come forth as gold

i secretly enjoy watching the flakes fall. The randomness
at which they fall. The place, the speed, the size. Which
explains why sometimes there's an over-scratch, or most
times...

Herose Clinic #02

after i told him all that i went through in the past
month, he was impressed that i did it without the help
or relieve from anti-biotics. Then the doctor told me
the best news ever. The worst was over. REALLY?!
"Your symptoms come quick, go quick. Very different
from others." Wow... and i was bracing myself for May,
which he had predicted would be the worst. Oh wow.
Thank you ALL for covering me with prayer. Really.
God is merciful man... *whew*...

So i made it to church again this past sunday. It took a
lot of effort though. I was itching and feeling pretty
uncomfy. I was very sleepy too cos i couldn't sleep the
night before, which has been the norm. But i made it
to church. After service, i waited by the baptism pool
for my sis. Many friends stopped to chat with me while
i waited. Many stopped to pray for me too. Sooooo
tremendously blessed. One pal held my hands and cried
with me too. You know, this is community. Brothers and
sisters in Christ coming together to uphold each other...

I'm feeling much better now. My skin is happy most times.
I'm going through tubs of moisturizers like crazy. So erm,
anyone knows where to get bigger tubs? My feet and ankles
are swollen. Water retention, can you believe it. Goodness.
The pressure in them when i walk or stand is quite uncomfy.
Now i know how pregnant ladies feel :( My feet look like
balloons with the toes sprayed out at the top. The ankles,
what ankles. My legs are straight all the way down to the
feet. Like how i draw my humanoids.

How can you pray for me? That i keep my sanity. I seem to
be getting better but i'm so tired of the whole skin care
routine. So tired of putting on my moisturizers. So tired of
having to take special baths. So tired of fighting the itch.
Pray that i'll hang on. Constantly looking up, above the storm,
to be still and know that He is God and is in control. To
believe that i will  heal in His time. And everything will
be beautiful. That i will not quit. That i will keep on keeping on.

best...

this store sells the best fish soup at Maxwell Food Centre.
The best. It's backed up against the indian prata store, right
next the the road opposite the MND building. The fish slices
and fresh and bouncy. The soup is super yummy. During lunch,
the queue is damn long. But it's worth the wait :D I've patronised
them enough to become friends. hee hee... oh, if you're intending
to have it for dinner, be there before 6pm cos they sell out
pretty fast.

Easter sunday

i made it to church today. Yay! and yea, the aircon

in the sanctuary made me shiver like mad. Fortunately

i had a thick shawl with me. It was great to be back.

I missed the worship, the people, the sermons... first song
sung was "....today is the day You have made, i will rejoice and
be glad in it.... i won't worry about tomorrow, trusting in what
you say, today is the day." i was pretty overcome by emotion
man. Yes, today is the day He has given. And i will rejoice in it.

today is easter. Woo Hoo!! Victory over the grave. Oh 

yea... and today was victory for me too. small one. 

I was determined to go to church. i overcame my fears

and made it. Many people came to pray over me after

service and i was immensely blessed. Thank you all!!!

girl pal and i hit town and pigged out. We had lunch at

The Handburger. I had a Caesar Chicken burger, chunky

mushroom soup and a cup of ice lemon tea. Then we 

proceeded to Mos burger and i had a cup of strawberry

milkshake and we shared a small pack of fries. I couldn't

walk straight after all that food man. Super bloated also

cos i had cups of hot water too. The most fun i've had in 

a while :)

morning mess...

today i woke up to find my shirt stained with pus.
My neck was wet with pus, my legs were sticky
with pus. Argh... i must have scratched too much
in my sleeping state. I really hate mornings like that.
The sickly sweet smell of pus swirled around. Mum
came in to check on me, just as she has been since my
condition got worse. Looking at my stained tee, she
frowned, then hurried me to get up for breakfast and
left. I fell asleep after she left. Not wanting to face
the mess i created. My hair was crusted with pus,
tangled. My bedsheets smelled of that sick sweetness.
I hate mornings like that. But God gave me a song.

"this is the day, that the Lord has made. I will rejoice
and celebrate." oh really? Indeed He has. Otherwise
i'd be up in heaven (which i'd prefer...). So since He
has given me today and since He doesn't give His
children bad stuff, today must be worth getting up for.
So i did.

but i took a while to slather on the honey for my honey
bath. I feared the pain. I was annoyed with the whole
routine. I was tired of having to take such unpleasant
baths. So everyone, please appreciate how easy and
enjoyable your bathtimes are. I never knew till now.
The honey was slapped on at last and the pain seared
through my body. The skin on my neck, back, arms
burned. But i held on to the fact that after this, my skin
will feel slightly happier.

blessed rest

i got days off from work. Uber blessed man. I wake up
craving for teh-o or milo. Grab my fix then if i still feel
sleepy i head back to bed. Wonderful.... Then i wake at
say, 2pm for lunch. Muck around after that, maybe sleep
again. Then what do you know, it's time for dinner. This
went on for almost a week. And my skin is healing so
well. So blessed i tell you. This rest... Shout out to my
colleagues and bosses: THANK YOU!!! for allowing
me to take such a stretch off from work.

i've been eating sooooo much. Really. A LOT... second
helpings at most meals... and tea breaks and stuff
between meals. Lots of hot milo and teh-o. Oh help...
right now i just munched down a whole bag of strawberry
flavoured cream sticks... tsk. I'll regret it all on my
very first run after all this i tell you.

there were days, though, that i didn't want to fight anymore.
I'd tell ma that i didn't want to wake the next morning.
Or that i'm at breaking point and i can't bear it anymore.
The itch would drive me nuts and my body temperature
would rise. And i'd be jumping and moaning... super agitated.
Ma would sit there calmly, watching me go into a frenzy.

pple thought it was tough on me having to stay home.
But you know, i had the time of my life. I told my sis
that i'd like to live like that forever :D she said i'd waste
my youth... i just grinned and rolled under the covers in bed.

the thing that sucked was that i missed a whole month of
church and CG.

1st wave

so now my skin is so tight... i can't turn my head much.
Nor can my mouth open wide enough to eat normal food.
The smell of pus is constantly lingering. yea i know, it's
gross. But that's how it's been.

This is my morning routine:
wake up, either to super dry parched skin or wounded
skin. Will myself to sit up. Dust the sheets, grab the
vaccuum cleaner to clean up all the dead skin that flaked
off during the night. Walk out, shivering, groaning. Then
try and have breakfast. Try cos sometimes my mouth
can't open wide enough to eat bread. If that's the case
i'll have to have my honey bath first. The honey bath
requires all my will and strength to take place. The honey
bites sometimes and the pain can be pretty unbearable.
Sitting there soaked in honey and pain isn't fun. Then
wash the honey off with 'Diamond' water that my
lovely neighbour supplies. Washing off is painful too.
Then quickly dry myself and get the oils and creams
slathered onto my skin before it dries out. The whole
routine take about an hour. Maybe more. Like today.
I just couldn't bring myself to slap the honey on. I don't
know why. Fear of the pain? Frustration with the whole
routine? So i just sat there, drifting in and out and sleep.
I seldom have a good night's sleep cos of the itch and
irritation and yea, the pus.

So that is my morning routine. The night one is almost
the same. Sometimes i pop an anti-histamine or 2
to give me hope of a good night's sleep. And last night
was one of those.

today, my face is swollen, again. Eyes droopy. Ears lobes
hardened. Mouth only opening 2 cm, max. Did i tell you
how the skin around my mouth split when i tried to eat
my fish fillet? Yea... and the pain... goodness! The skin
cracked up and bled. It looked like veins streaking from
my mouth up to my cheek bones. Not pretty.

So lunch today was a bottle of milk, a bottle of yoghurt
and a chocolate bar. Safe. I'm going to the doctor's later
for a course of anti-biotic jabs. I hope it helps to bring the
swelling down. Pray for me!

Herose Clinic

so mummy's eagle eyes spotted an ad in the papers abt
a talk happening at the HDB hub. It was going to be about
eczema and other skin related illnesses.

saturday afternoon, i was sitting in a conference room with
pa and ma with many other eczema sufferers. Now and then
you'll see hands sneaking up for a scratch behind ears or
napes. They explained what eczema was... the do-s and
don't-s... I wasn't really paying attention cos my skin was
driving me nuts. It was dry and itchy and i was feeling quite
agitated. But ma and pa were nodding away at the wave of
info coming through the sound system.

The treatment they provided had loads of testimonials and
there was hope. The healing will take months with peaks
and drops in flare ups and reactions. But there wasn't any
reports of relapses.

so today i started on the course of medication. 12 tablets a
day, popping 6 twice a day. Doc said the worst reactions
would probably happen in May. I'm scared. But hopeful....
So here i go on my journey... day #01. 12 pills... Scared.
but hopeful.

Twin Mystery. To many people artists seem
undisciplined and lawless.
Such laziness, with such great gifts,
seems little short of crime.
One mystery is how they make
the things they make so flawless;
another, what they're doing with
their energy and time.

-Piet Hein, poet and scientist (1905-1996)

breaking point

before, i was soaring above the clouds. What came
after hit me by surprise. The smell of the moisturizers,
oils and stuff annoyed me. My skin hurt worse than
before. The cold made me shiver despite wearing a
jacket. The itch was gnawing at me everywhere. The
angry red splotches on my legs and skin flakes from
my neck in my hair was anything but comfort. i couldn't
function. I took longer than usual to perform a task at
work. Then it came. The tears started to flow. I was tired...
i've had enough... i craved for a release from this physical
state. I tried to remember what i meditated upon this
morning but it made me cry even harder. I don't know
what overcame me... I want to go home. Mum's not cooking.